A Midlife Sex Conversation

There is going to be a sex question and survey for you at the end of this post so I hope you’ll read through.

This week we are having an ongoing conversation in the WomenBloom forums about sex and midlife. We have a couple of guests in the conversation, Gayle Michaels and Jade Beaty, who between them have an amazing breadth of sexual experience and wisdom to share. Both of them are firm believers that sex is a sacred and spiritual gift that has the capacity to add enormous joy and intimacy to our lives. And, that it is all too often treated with secrecy, shame and disrespect. They are on a mission to help people experience it more deeply and joyfully.

The reason we decided to do this is because I don’t think we midlife women talk about this very much, I can pretty well guarantee not with the complete frankness Gayle and Jade do. Oh sure, the occasional semi-embarrassed giggly exchange with a girlfriend but not really conversation. Am I wrong about this?

And, am I the only middle aged woman who still has a conservative voice in my head telling me that sex is only to be enjoyed within the sanctity of a marriage? And, I better not think about enjoying that too much or, heaven forbid, having it with myself, because I’ll go crazy and end up in a mental institution. Oh, no, I think the mental institution is only reserved for those who pleasure themselves. Oh yeah, that’s right, the marriage one is primly doing the wifely duty thing but not having an orgasm. Anyway....

I even used to think that ANY physical contact even as simple as a kiss MEANT something significant, a kind of implied launch down the path to matrimony or something like that. I have a guy friend whom I met a few years ago now on Match. For various reasons, we never connected ‘romantically’ but we kept up and would occasionally get together for a glass of wine. Well, at some point I found myself making out with him in the back of a dark bar and enjoying it immensely. After the first time, I had some angst about ‘What Did It MEAN?” After it happened a couple more times, I came to see that it’s possible to just do it for the sheer pleasure of it. It doesn’t have to mean ANYthing.

I know. Duh.

My views of sex have changed quite a bit since I was married and widowed 14 years ago. Most certainly, I’ve become more curious and relaxed about it. My attitudes about sharing sexually aren’t as casual as deliciously making out in a dark bar, but if there is someone you like and respect, and there is some chemistry there, and each is free from other commitments, what is wrong with that? With all the usual warnings about STDs and safe sex and the rest, of course. Most of us aren’t gonna be doin’ the baby thing anymore so....what?

I’m told by my friend, Karen Kreps, who writes a column called True Intimacies that 50-something men tell her that us middle-aged women are pretty much rarin’ to go on the sexual front, screw long term relationship or commitment of any kind. And, if you can believe this, the men are the ones protesting, ‘hey wait a minute, can’t we connect on a deeper level before we jump in the sack?’ Hmmm.

Anyway, I’m curious how you see it. How have your views about sex changed as you reached midlife? Or, have they? I hope you’ll comment but you can also take this easy as pie survey which might be kinda fun. Or you could do both in the interests of giving me both subjective and rigorously quantitative data. hee hee.

Then, I’m off to call my guy friend for, er, a glass of wine.

Middle-aged Mate Magnets Making Mojo

I recently joined a group of ladies who were 40 and above with several of us, ahem, middle-aged. We were there to become 'Mate Magnets'. Hey, when I saw the email invite, I asked myself, what did I have to lose? My single status perhaps? Hope flickered briefly. I RSVPd.

Here's what amazes me. I know ALOT of single men and women above the age of 45. And it seems that 95% of us are all yearning to love and be loved. But few of us are in relationship. Whassup with that?

This group was no exception. We ranged from fairly newly singled and happily, anticipatively dipping a toe in the dating pool, to having spent the last year dating like crazy and having a blast. Then there was me, the Cynic.

I've been single now for about 14 years. I was married for a long time and widowed at 36. After surviving that trauma, no small feat, at 40, I began learning to date. No small feat. It was fun for a while. Then, I began looking for The One. After 4 or 5 years of that, thought I'd found Him, then realized I hadn't. Suffered a fairly broken heart over it. Then a year or two later, finally started dating again. I found somewhere between mending my heart and some casual dating, the whole thing had ceased to be fun.

It seems like excitement, followed by earnest discussion about how it's going, getting exclusive, finding out some startling things about each other, telling oneself that maybe those things don't matter, maybe some great sex if you're lucky, then realizing you (or he) doesn't want to take on some of the startling things, emotional wear and tear, more emotional wear and tear, then one or the other splits.

Sigh.

But, I admit, it did perk up my tired heart to see these hopeful women being willing to learn to flirt. To support each other in going to various singles mixers. Going to see Sex and the City. They still see the fun in it. It's great to see them bravely sallying forth.

Maybe their enthusiasm will rub off. If one believes the Law of Attraction, cynicism doesn't seem like the most promising of attractants. I hope more than enthusiasm rubs off. I'd like to recover my optimistic, 'I know he's out there somewhere' attitude of old.

Maybe this group is just what the doctor ordered.