Midwives And Doulas To The Dying

I spent part of last weekend at a conference for women called Remarkable Women. It was very well organized and clearly the organizers put heart and soul into it.

While I learned some great things and met a lot of wonderful women, one of the sessions made a particularly strong impression on me. It was about the concept of midwives and doulas to the dying.

It seems to me that we ‘do’ death so badly in this country for the most part. We take such care for births, baptisms, confirmations, bar/bat mitzvahs, anniversaries, and weddings, but we somehow have a much harder time giving the same attention and intention to dying. A lovely funeral comes a little late for the loved one who has passed on.

That is why, when a friend recently told me about a friend of hers who was training to support terminally ill people and their families, I was deeply touched. This goes way beyond hospice care. Making dying as intentional and loving a process as possible seems so important to me and I was very eager to learn more.

Deanna Cochran is the certified hospice and palliative care nurse who conducted the session. She is part of a growing movement to help manage the emotional, spiritual, and palliative care needs of a dying loved one and his or her family. I spent only an hour with Deanna but I can see that she is following her calling. What a loving and supportive energy she gives out.

Here are the 3 things I learned that are important to offer to those with a dying lvoed one, among others:

Be conscious of the primary caregiver’s and the dying person’s comfort zone. You must be tuned in to their needs and leave your own discomfort and baggage behind.

Shut up and listen. Being silent can be the hardest work of all. But that provides the sacred space for them to go as deep into their pain as they choose.

Advocate for physical relief of symptoms. This is called palliative care and it’s a relatively new concept (I have to shake my head over this) to the medical community for the most part. Deanna is very clear that there is NO reason for someone who is dying to suffer physically. There is always something that can be done to alleviate pain and discomfort. You may have to contact a number of physicians to find one who will work with you on it, but they are out there.

There is much more, but I simply encourage you to go to Deanna’s site to learn more about this very important and sacred service. We also have a WomenBloom article on palliative care written by Dr. Sue Bornstein, former Associate Director of Baylor Medical Center’s Palliative Care Program, if you'd like to know more about how the medical community is thinking about this.

Alzheimer's and Caregiving

One of my fellow mid-life lady bloggers, Karen over at Mid-life's a Trip, has some excellent blog posts related to caregiving and Alzheimer's. As caregiver to her mother who has Alzheimer's, and dear friend to a 50 something woman with the disease, she holds the subject close to her heart.

A great informational resource as Karen points out is a recent article in the NY Times. This excellent guide provides information on causes, treatements, exams and tests, and more.

If you are a caregiver to an elder and/or are dealing with Alzheimer's in a loved one, you may find some support from Karen and those who have commented to her posts.

Eldercare: Auditing Documents

In the Wall Street Journal this morning, I came across a column by a personal finance person who was describing his personal experience trying to help his mother, grandmother and great aunt manage their finances.

A couple of useful thoughts caught my attention...

First, in the case of his grandmother and great aunt who live together, they had been paying for several years on a policy they thought would pay off the mortgage on their home should one or the other die. Unfortunately, it was an accidental death policy, not the instrument they thought they had. Basically, they had been paying, out of their already meager income, money for a policy they didn't need.

Note to Self #1: It's a good idea to look over your parents documents periodically to make sure they are what you think they are and will accomplish the goals you're aiming for. Even things as simple as making sure the correct beneficiaries are in place can save major headaches...or heartaches. I tend to think of my parents as adults, and am hesitant to 'butt into' their business. But as complicated as everything is nowadays, it pays to have the courage to cover all the bases.

Note to Self #2: You can only do so much for your parents. They are still ultimately responsible for their decisions (this is assuming they are still in good health and mind). You can advise, support, and suggest, but they will make the decisions they make. The columnist described one success he had with persuading his mother not to give away to a friend a small financial windfall she'd received. She had great need of that money herself.

He had less success persuading her not make changes in where her money lived. He was worried about it for her sake, but realized that he had done all he could on that point.

It's difficult in that in between stage where parents are still capable of making their own decisions but don't make the decisions WE would make if we were in their shoes.

For some good tips on how to have these kinds of conversations with your parent, check this article out: 26 Things You Should Know about Caring For Aged Parents