Monday, June 16, 2008

Cougaring: Older Women On The Prowl

I like to think of myself as a pretty hip 50 year old but there are times when I realize that there are, er, a few gaps in this hipster’s knowledge base.

So, I’m at a party this last weekend and I was introduced to a new concept…’cougaring’. I had the vague feeling I had heard this term floating around but I was flat-footed and clueless when two middle-aged women began talking about it with glee.

For those of you who, like me, need some elucidation, a ‘cougar’ is an older woman who dates younger men. The term refers to the ‘older’ woman who has reached some professional success, who is fit and powerful. Get the feline allusion?

Supposedly the way this works is that she fulfills the young man’s fantasy of being tutored by a sexually experienced (and assertive) older woman. And, he fulfills her…well, I think we all know what he fulfills for her. Think Samantha from Sex and The City and you’ve got the picture.

This has some biological basis according to some. Women hit their sexual peak in their 40s while men hit it in their 20s.

Well then. Sounds like a match made in heaven!

While I can certainly appreciate the stamina and sexual intensity a 28 year old would bring to the bed, I’ve always wondered…what in the world would you talk about after the sex? Call me old-fashioned, but I’ve always found that life has a way of kicking you around a bit, or a lot, in your 30s and 40s. It’s when a man learns that he isn’t bullet proof, and he gets a bit of patina and experience on him that things begin to get interesting.

Like any good blogger, I turned to YouTube for further research on the subject.

Nice, am I the only one who thinks this is bizarre?? Clearly, Samantha and the women attending Cougar Camp aren’t placing great emphasis on stimulating conversation. It seems to me they are mostly wanting to turn the tables on men and use their professional success and looks to assert their power. That’s OK if you’re into that sort of thing I suppose.

Most of us middle-aged gals out there, however, haven’t got that particular kind of power. We don’t look like we just walked off the catwalk, nor are most of us pulling in the 6 figures necessary to exert financial power. I think a bit of caution is called for.

Nothing wrong with an age difference, but I think it’s not that easy for women to have easy sex for sex’s sake.. We do tend to want a deeper connection ya know. Seeing any relationships for what it is is the key. And, that isn't always easy.

One of the women who was telling me about her cougaring experiences had begun her story in a cocky, braggadocio tone. But, as the conversation went on, she became quieter and quieter. She finally admitted she’d just given up, the young guy was being kind of flaky, wouldn’t call back, clearly wasn’t looking for that deeper connection. I got the feeling ‘given up’ went deeper than this particular man.

She sadly wandered off and I didn’t see her again.


Anonymous said...

How humiliating for her. That makes me sad...

To me, it just wouldn't be worth the risk, but then I've been out of the dating scene for a LONG time, and I wasn't all that successful at it when I was dating.

ms meta

Allison said...

Ms Meta,

Yes, it was really sad. I think at bottom most of us (maybe with the exception of these Cougar trainees :)) just want a real connection.

That's what I'm interested in for sure and cougaring seems like it is mostly based on something very different.

Thanks for chiming in!

Rhea said...

I was fascinated by the video on cougar-ism. I just don't think that many women are capable of not connecting emotionally with someone they are sexual with.

Allison said...


That's certainly true for me. The sex isn't that interesting otherwise.

Interestingly, a friend of mine who writes a column on Sex and Relationships says guys are telling her that 50 something women are really coming on strong these days for sex, soon and with no strings attached.

That wasn't what I expected to hear...

Thanks for visiting!

Bugsy said...

It's gratify to have confirmation that the cultural liberation is moving in from the margins and is present in the midst of the herd. I enjoy the assertive affirmation of one's physiology and the honest, feasible, needs being fulfilled rather than to some homily of martyrdom for unappreciative, selfabsorbed others. The joy of seeing and hearing the escatic joy of the pleasure coursing through her body and soul is more than any other stimulation could do.

Now if material means nolonger became a prerequisite to be the cougar on the prowl.... A very dangerous specie to enjoy.

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